The house is filled with the sound of children’s voices as mom rushes around getting them bathed and in bed while dad mutters about the toys lying all over the floor.
Then comes tragedy and a deathly silence descends on the family home. And sometimes regrets and feelings of guilt haunt you.
Jan-Hendrik van der Merwe and his wife, Patrys, sister-in-law of former Springbok rugby captain Corné Krige, now face such a silence after both their children were killed in a freak accident on their farm near Victoria West. Phillip (1) and Kirsten (4) fell out of the 4x4 bakkie Jan-Hendrik was driving after one of them apparently opened the door and both landed under the wheels.
On their smallholding northwest of Pretoria Wouter and Antoinette van der Sandt also know the heartache of a suddenly empty home. Their four daughters - Miranda (9), Marissa (8) and four-year-old twins Lynette and Estelle - died after an accident when a car swerved in front of Antoinette while she was on her way to drop her two eldest girls at a bus stop on 4 May.
It takes almost superhuman courage to want to survive a child’s death and continue living, Potchefstroom medical doctor and therapist Dr Wilme Steenekamp says.
“Often people feel life as they knew it is falling apart and that things will never be the same again. We all want to believe people can get over it and time heals all wounds but it isn’t always like that.
“The parent who feels responsible for what happened may find it hard to get rid of the feelings of guilt. It’s easier to forgive someone else but it can be impossible to forgive ourselves for the same thing.”
Intense emotions such as heartbreak, confusion, regret, loneliness, depression, anxiety, anger and aggression are part of the mourning process, says Johannesburg psychologist Dr Cecile Gericke, who specialises in relationship therapy.
A support network such as friends can be of enormous help to parents. But carefully weigh up your words because unsolicited advice and statements such as “the loveliest flower has been picked” are no comfort to parents in pain.
Rather give the grieving person a hug and admit you have no words, Dr Steenekamp says. “Accept sometimes the person really doesn’t want to talk, doesn’t have the words and is hurting too much.”
